Recently I came across an infographic on 4 common trauma responses -Fight, Flight, Freeze, and a new one I never heard of called Fawn. I read further about fawn response and discovered that when applying the term to abuse, it means more than just flattery. What it really involves is agreeing and/or reasoning with the abuser in an attempt to avoid victimization.

I often think back with shame on how often I took my mother’s side of things at home.  

There were a lot of complicated reasons why I did that. One was that she often had an airtight case for why she was right, or compelling evidence why she was “good” and my father was “evil” and it seemed that if I took my dad’s side, I might somehow fall into danger. 

Even by the age of 4- 5 years, I already had nightmares about demons or witches carrying me off and eating me or doing something horrible to me. Looking back, I can see that was probably because there was so much discussion of evil, demons, and the devil at my house, including a story frequently recalled by my grandmother about how my great grandfather had had to chase an unseen spirit down the stairs carrying his sister. It is terrifying to wake up in the middle of the night as a little child expecting to be carried off to hell by the devil. So, if associating with my dad was going to bring the devil closer, I didn’t want any part of that, and since my mom never let me be with my dad alone I really had no evidence to the contrary. 

Another factor was watching my dad get ridiculed, yelled at, and criticized all the time. I didn’t want any more of that than I already got, but she would also beat on him with her hands, grab his shirt and shake him, even throw things at him. I didn’t want her to start beating me too.

Before Daddy died, I apologize for all the times I didn’t stand up for him.

He said he didn’t remember, which was either him being nice or his own dissociative tendencies, or a mixture of both. The harder task was forgiving myself. To tell the truth, I’m not even sure I’m there yet, but I do realize and remember very clearly how unsafe I failed as a child. It seemed the only way I could be “safe” was to befriend my abuser. So what can we do now that it’s over?

Obviously we can’t go back in time and “fix it,” but we can do 3 important things.

1. Work toward forgiving yourself.

If you suffer guilt over fawning, the first thing you need to know is, it wasn’t your fault. You were just a kid and it was a way of trying to stay safe and not induce rage or harm from your abuser. 

There are many different strategies you can employ to speed the process of self-forgiveness. Writing letters to myself at a younger age explaining the insight I have now has helped with such tasks. I also pray and ask God to help me forgive myself. Sometimes if a bad feeling persists I will simply state out loud, “Self, I forgive you.”  this helps me be able to move on, at least for a little while before I have to do it again.

2. Work to change negative cognitions.

Negative cognitions are deeply-set negative thought patterns you developed from childhood, such as “people cannot be trusted,” etc. 

More than likely, this one will take a therapy approach. Even though it might be possible to do it on your own, it’s unlikely you will be able to stop yourself from getting stuck inside your own head and bogged back down in the negativity if you don’t have a professional to help you back out. 

EMDR is a very effective approach to changing cognitions, as is journaling on the topic of your negative cognition’s opposite*.

3. Realize that your go-to way of solving conflict involves people pleasing.

If we ignore this, we cause ourselves a lot of unnecessary anxiety and risk burnout. When I catch myself reliving conversations I’ve had with coworkers  or fretting over telling someone no, I have to remind myself of this weakness.

Then I find a private space, such as my car or the bathroom, in which I can remind myself out loud that it is not my job to please everyone! (Saying things out loud provides an override for your train of thought – try it, it works!) I continue explaining to myself why the supreme happiness of everyone around me is not my duty in life until I feel the point has truly sunk in,  and then I am good for a little while before I have to repeat the process. *I must note however that when I first started doing this, it was pretty much a daily thing!

If you have other approaches that have helped you in the task of self-forgiveness, I’d love to hear about them. Please share your comments or message me. I love to hear from you!