It came in the mail for my birthday one year – must have been 10, 11, or 12. Those years are a blur and I have no specific memories I could attribute to any of them; to say “I was 11 when that happened,” for example. That was around the time my mother actually took my dad to an exorcism, the fighting in our house escalated. Mama finally moved me and her out for good when I was 13.
I still remember the little happy yellow box which had a clip so I could clip it to my clothes and carry it everywhere with me. And carry it I did! Outdoors or indoors, in the car or on my bike, I was never without it, until my uncle sent something even better the following year – a headset radio! This gave me an autonomy I’ve never had before – the choice of what music to listen to.
Around this time, I discovered country music from riding to school with an older girl. It’s “life is hard but good can still be found” themes really resonated with me. The music itself was also soothing and not too loud or aggressive. I grew up in the 90’s listening to all the New Traditionalists. That era received an influx of strong females, and songs about becoming one. Reba, Martina and the others poured their strength into me. Joe Diffie made me laugh on days I would have been crying. Alan and George sang about familiar places and how to fix broken love affairs, which I paid attention to because I kept trying to “fix” my parents’ relationship.
I discovered something important during this time: music is transcendent. There were many times I got up feeling anxious. I learned to put on the music, and it would soothe those feelings and get me through the day. It blocked Mama’s yelling and my parents fighting. It helped me clear my head of all the worries and just be.
It took me a long time to realize, the love of music actually came from Daddy. That’s a whole ‘nother story for a different day, but getting that walkman from my Uncle Don definitely kindled a life-long appreciation of music from smoke to fire. If I hadn’t had music during that particularly trying time in my life, and many times after that, who knows what would have happened to me.
Music, and particularly country, helped me grow up and become more autonomous by teaching a girl who wasn’t really allowed to do anything about who she could become. All those songs made real life more real. It was grounding at a time when everything seemed to exist in a parallel outer space universe. Hope for better came down through those soothing chords that are still among my favorites.
