Image: Kelly Hanwright

“When the sharpest words wanna cut me down, I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out. I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be. This is me.” ~Keala Settle

Hello friends, this is something I’ve thought about quite a bit – whether or not I should adopt a pseudonym or pen name as I’m here upon the point of publishing my poetic memoir, The Locust Years. Finally, yesterday on one of my famous long walks, I decided against it.

People choose to adopt a pseudonym for many different reasons. The reasons I’m not have to do with perceptions of the Self and the long journey I’ve had to get to where I am. Here’s the breakdown of my thought process.

The Real.

1. For better or for worse, this is me. I’ve spent a lot of time learning to get comfortable with myself and accept myself for the way I am. I have finally gotten to where I like myself. Maybe that sounds odd, but most days I like who I’ve become. I am grateful for that feeling because there were many, many years where I loathed myself with a hatred reserved for only the most vile of persons. So, now that I actually like me…Me – the real Me – is who I’ll be, name and all.

Trust issues.

2. I’ve been working a lot lately on trusting myself. If I can’t even trust myself to be my Self, then what can I trust her with?

Finally whole.

3. I’ve worked very hard at integrating the aspects of myself into one Self that I felt was whole. Sometime I’ll post on here about the dissonance I have felt inside that lasted through childhood all the way into my 30’s. That dissonance has slowly, finally faded and I feel like more of a person (as opposed to a bunch of fragments) than I have probably in my whole life. It took a long time and a lot of work to get to this place in my psyche – too long for me to start partitioning off parts of it again.

Mask off.

4. I understand that a pseudonym or alter-ego is supposed to give you more power, and if that will help you to say what you need to say, then I say I do what you need to do. But I have spent a lot of time and energy working myself up to a place where I can speak, mask off. If there comes a time when I can’t speak honestly as myself, then I’m pretty sure I’m done.

No shame.

5. In order to do what I’m doing, I cannot be ashamed of who I am. I don’t see any other bloggers who struggle with mental health using a fake name.

Part of the whole awareness conversation that is slowly starting to happen around mental illness is about the stigma that surrounds it, and trying to break that stigma so people will seek the help they need. That stigma plus misconceptions about what happens when a person takes anti-psychotic medicines, or seeks medical care (which one could argue was again brought on by, and at least ¾ made up of, stigma) was the main reason my mother lived with and put all of us through her torturous delusions and hallucinations without ever seeking help. She and her entire family suffered an indescribable agony that was absolutely and completely unnecessary.

Furthermore, I’m blessed to have a lot of friends and family who accept me for who I am and what I’ve been through. I cannot imagine what kind of example that would be for friends who are struggling if I went and adopted a name other than my own after I’ve already come this far.

If you feel an alter ego will empower you to say things you would not otherwise be able to say, I want to be very clear in saying that you should by all means adopt one. This is the very reason I became a poet – because poetry gave me the way to express things I would not otherwise be able to express. I spent years trying to write The Locust Years. It wasn’t until the idea of writing the memoir in poetry form dawned across my mind that I could get anything to come out.

The personal struggles you have and the way you feel about pseudonyms or alter egos probably determines whether or not you would adopt one. I’ve come to the conclusion that at least for this project, they are not for me. What’s your perspective? I’d be very interested to hear how others feel about pseudonyms and alter egos. Please share in the comments!