Image by Kelly Hanwright

As someone who has anxiety, I also have a lot of friends who share that struggle. This past week, the struggle has increased for many of us due to forces I am sure I don’t know how to explain. I have the strong impression, though, that it has a lot to do with the feelings of fear and being trapped that have come with this quarantine.

This week, I came the closest I’ve come in a long time to having a full-blown panic attack. I could feel it coming – the dizziness from being unable to catch my breath, heart pounding, the side-effect tears…

Thankfully, I have a lot of good friends who were very helpful and supportive. One reminded me to open up and breathe deeply into my belly (muscle tone and holding your belly in are NOT what it’s about right now!) Another promised to send up daily prayers. Many offered to call or message them if I needed anything. One especially sweet person offered me to call at 2 A.M. because “it’s not like I have to be up for school!”

Later, after an hour and a half run, I queried friends on Facebook: Why is this making me so anxious? I just wanted to see what everyone else might pinpoint as a possible “root reason.” The most interesting response was that we are all going through a kind of mass grief.

The next morning in my NanPoWriMo group (for National Poetry Month, if you’ve been following me) as 15 veritable strangers shared words of grief and comforted each other with shared tears. In our freewrites and poems, we tried to embody the grief others are feeling right now who, instead of being quarantined in safety are trapped in an unhealthy, unhappy, or dangerous situation. And again, I felt the idea of a “mass grief” bumping against my consciousness. It started to make sense. In case you’ve been wondering the same thing, I’ll share my train of though with you.

My emotional type is Empath – something I share with an overwhelming majority of my friends. This is because we people tend to attract similar persons to ourselves. (If you are curious about the emotional types and which one you might fall into, the short article Four Emotional Types and How to Manage Them is a good quick resource or jumping-off point if you want to look into it further.

Here’s what I have learned about being an empath.

We are caretakers. We want to listen. We try to help. That is what makes this quarantine such a difficult situation for us. It’s hard to watch others suffering and not know how to help. The silence and isolation make the situation and circumstances even more poignant.

On top of this, if you are an empath who has experienced trauma in your life, this will by default contribute more to your heavy feelings.

See the definition of ACEs – Adverse Childhood Experiences – on the CDC website. (Also includes the link to the original study.)

In my case, I grew up with a mentally ill parent who was forever bursting into full-blown panick about an impending unforeseen apocalypse. I know deep down, the panic she instilled in me still lurks in my subconscious.

So, what can we do?

Well, truth is, not a whole lot if you are thinking solutions! You could look at that as a negative, but it will be much more helpful and healthy to just accept it as a fact. This experience is going to be more about coping than problem solving. Here are some strategies that have helped me:

Learn and practice the art of acceptance.

1. Learn and practice the art of acceptance. Yes,this is truly an art. It does not come naturally. But the truth is, you cannot make what you are feeling go away by judging yourself, telling yourself to “calm down,” “snap out of it,” or other negative self-talk. Neither can you talk yourself into being happy – that might work for half an hour or so, but you will become frustrated when the feelings continue to return. Instead of this aggravating loop we often put ourselves through, try this: just remind yourself it’s ok to feel. Then, just feel whatever it is you are feeling.

• If you need to be alone, go and be alone. If being alone is hard because you have family or several other people living with you, explain intentionally to them that you will be taking X amount of time (decide beforehand – I don’t know too many people who can’t take, say, a half hour to themselves. Gotta start somewhere!)
• If you feel like crying, cry. It’s natural. It’s human.
• If you want to scream, go outside and just let loose! If you worry about others hearing because you live in close quarters, scream into a pillow.
• Throw a ball or pillow. Do it as many times as you need to.
• Go for a walk.

Whatever you decide to do, I recommend just being quiet and being with your feelings. Know that you are okay, and that they will pass. Remind yourself:

There is no wrong way to feel.

2. Be supportive of your family and friends. Let them talk or vent. Be willing to listen. Be encouraging. Be gentle. Know that you don’t have to “fix it” and it is okay for them to feel too.

Don’t give the other person too much “advice” or say things that could feel judgmental. If you’re not sure what I mean, start by avoiding anything that starts with “You just need to…” Reassure them that you and the other members of their human community are available, and with them in spirit even when not in body.

Here, I have to add one very important thing: if the person threatens to harm themselves, ask them to promise they will call a crisis hotline. Call one for them if you don’t think they can, or will. Follow up to make sure they called. You must do this over and above any fear of it harming the relationship – better to save a life than to keep a dead friend. (And yes, I have had to do this before. No it is not easy. But sometimes, you must.)

I have also discovered it helps to envision myself giving something to God.

3. Pray. Again, there is no wrong way to do this but I have found that lately the absolute most helpful thing is to take whatever is bothering me or that I am worried about and give it to God. And sometimes saying the words is not enough, so I have also discovered it helps to envision myself giving something to God. Sometimes I envision placing an object (maybe a box or an egg) into his hands; sometimes I release it in balloons or breathe it out in sparkles into heaven. No matter which one I use, when I’m feeling particularly anxious or can’t let go of something, it is extremely effective to bypass words and use a visual that God and I both understand immediately.

If you struggle with anxiety and have a strategy that I didn’t mention, add it to the comments below. We will get through this, y’all. We will be okay. And just maybe, we will learn new and helpful coping strategies in the process. Be well. ~K