Letter to Schizophrenia
from The Locust Years by Kelly Hanwright
Sometimes I want to Rip
doors off their hinges Smash
all the windows Crawl
through blood Spurting
out my arteries.
Red rage will keep me warm Running
as I go Yanking
trees by their roots Battering
rams coming for you where you Hide.
When I find you I will Twist
your neck like a corkscrew Wrench
your rotted head Separate
its sinews right down to the jugular Thrust
my fingers in Release
your teeming life Force.
Deep breaths now Gasping
I wake Shivering
hands Gripping
my own throat.
The story:
Ever notice how sometimes when you want to write a poem, it takes finding just the right form for that poem to become what it wants to be? That’s what basically happened with “Letter to Schizophrenia.”
For years after I discovered my mom had had untreated schizophrenia throughout my childhood, I grappled with a lot of anger that I didn’t know what to do with. I was very angry with my mom because I felt like she had told me a lot of lies that resulted in not being able to have a positive relationship with my dad and being flat-out alienated from his side of the family! It was a long process and a lot of work trying to forgive her.
After I finished processing that, I was just really angry at her schizophrenia. I kept trying to figure out the WHY. Eventually I had to put that in my Ask Jesus Box (a post for another time).
Fast forward to last spring (2020) and the COVID pandemic. Suddenly finding lots of time on my hands, I signed up for Nancy Lynée Woo’s Rise & Shine workshop for National Poetry Month in April (NANPOWRIMO). There, I was introduced to the idea of writing a poem in the style of a letter to someone. I did not use the idea until the next time I had an angry day.
Angry days are something a lot of people with complex PTSD can readily identify with. They’re those days you wake up fighting mad and don’t know the exact cause behind the feelings.
When I have one, it tends to stay until I either write it out or physically work it out in some way. (For instance, I have written before about running as a way of coping with this.)
Anyway, on this day, that idea just clicked. Writing a poem in the form of a letter to schizophrenia was the perfect way to express my anger and get it out. I cranked up Future’s “Mask Off” and wrote in stream-of-consciousness. This poem basically flowed out, although I had to make a few changes to the capitalized items so they would each accurately represent a powerful action – all the things I wished I could do if the disease were personified.
Most of all, I wished I could rip the mask off schizophrenia and review its true nature, which no one seems to be able to discover even with all the medical headway on mental illnesses that has been made in recent years. But similar to the ending of another poem in the section, “Phantoms & Pillow Talk,” I realized by the end what a futile task this would be. I am never going to be able to “discover” schizophrenia and get to beat it senseless for all of its torture of me and my family. All I’m really doing is torturing myself.
Got complex PTSD? This is the story of how I got mine, and the healing journey. Buy The Locust Years here.
Do you ever struggle with feelings of frustration and anger due to a loved one’s mental, or even physical illness? Comment below and lets support each other.
Much Love,
~KH
