A Good Little Girl

I’m sitting on a bench with Mama
outside the Fiesta Mart.
Next to us sits a woman
with a girl about my age.

Because you’ve been such a good girl,
I’m going to give you this! the lady says.
She hands the girl a set of banana combs –
barrettes designed for gathering hair into a pony tail.

Something clicks inside my head.
Mama hasn’t told me I’ve been a good girl
for quite sometime now.
She used to tell me every day.
I wonder if she still thinks I am?

Mama? I test,
peeking up at her face,
Have I been a good girl?

Something is wrong.
Mama doesn’t answer.
Maybe she didn’t hear.
I’ll ask again.

Mama, have I been a good girl?
She stares into space,
ignores my question.
She must not have heard.

Mama!
I am already anticipating
the praise, the hug, the smile.
Soon she will look at me
the way the other woman is looking at her daughter.
Have I been a good girl?

Finally, she turns,
face etched in scowl,
asks a question sharp
as carving knives –

Don’t you know whether you’ve been a good girl or not?

My heart is a sun
setting in my chest;
A new thought emerges slowly
on the horizon.
Maybe I am not a good girl after all.

The Story

This happened when I was 5. Until I wrote a poem about it, this was among the memories that could trigger an instant flashback. For more than a year after I wrote it, I wasn’t able to re-read it without crying and being triggered, either. I have edited it so often now that I can read it without much problem, although performing it aloud is still a whole new level I have not been able to reach.

I think this is one of the memories that is engraved so deep into my psyche that its “lessons” emerge in the background of most of my other activities. Like singing, for example.

Just last night, I was having a conversation with a close friend. We got to talking about my singing on the praise team and other such public venues. I shared with her that I’m often worried someone will think I’m just trying to draw attention to myself. Then we talked about how those feelings all connect back to the subliminal messages Mama sent me on a regular basis – that I was somehow inherently bad, and had done bad things. Even if I told her I didn’t do anything, she would make me sit in my room and think until I “figured out” what I had done. Often, I came up with something so that she would at least let me come out. (That strategy backfired when I asked as a teenager why she did this to me. She answered, “because you had…” and cited all the stuff I had come up with.)

Having heard similar stories from many friends by now, I know I’m not the only one who had this type of upbringing. But if you struggle with feelings of “badness,” what can you do?

Spirit

Well for one thing, getting close to God has definitely helped me. He tells me, “There is therefore now NO condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1), and I find that very comforting. I also find it comforting to know that if I start to worry there might be some “badness” in me that I haven’t discovered, I can just stop worrying and say a prayer asking him to forgive and remove anything he notices that should not be there in my heart.

Mindfulness

For another, I have learned that when those feelings come, I can remind myself that the service or activity I’m performing is important, and then I just use mindfulness. If the discomfort stays (which it usually does), I just press on and finish the song/s, and try to act like a person not plagued by inner doubts and feelings of inadequacy as people make kind, positive comments.

You see, the kind of mindfulness where you are just aware of the unpleasant thoughts, but also realize they are a part of your life and so you just live with them in the moment is uncomfortable. But it’s way better than letting those unpleasant thoughts stop you from doing things.

My voice has been gifted to me! I have no right not to use it!

It saddens me to imagine not singing. I enjoy singing. It is something my dad loved, and something I still do routinely with that part of my family. It brings glory and joy to a lot of things. I’ve sung at nursing homes, in church, and just for pleasure. All of those moments were enhanced by my voice. The reason I say that is because my voice has been gifted to me! I’ve no right not to use it! I am a firm believer that we should use any talent or ability we have to contribute to the world. What a waste if we don’t!

The things you can do are important to the world and the things you want to do are important, if only because you wanted to do them.

Listen: The things you can do are important to the world and the things you want to do are important, if only because you wanted to do them. Find your ways to include your own gifts in the world. The world needs them, or you wouldn’t have them.